Day One: I Don’t Know How to Stop Being Us
I spent a couple of days with him and DJ recently, and something happened that I wasn’t expecting.
I realized I wasn’t in love with him anymore.
For so long, I thought what I wanted was him. I thought I wanted our relationship back. I wanted the dinners, the laughs, the nights together, and the feeling of having my best friend beside me. But sitting there with him and DJ, I realized maybe I wasn’t craving him anymore.
I was craving a family.
DJ isn’t Nolan’s son, but Nolan has been in his life since he was one. For years, I watched them build their own bond, and I thought about the kind of family I wanted us to become. I wanted the stability, the shared home, the future, and the feeling that we were building something permanent together.
I wanted another baby. More than once, I made choices I still carry with me. I had abortions, and each one left me with complicated feelings about the family I imagined, the family I lost, and the future I thought might still be possible.
And maybe that’s why what happened hurt me so badly.
While I was dreaming about having a baby with him, he had a baby with someone else.
There is a particular kind of heartbreak in watching someone else live a piece of the life you thought would be yours.
For a long time, I think I confused that pain with still being in love.
I kept thinking, If I hurt this badly, I must still love him.
But maybe grief and love aren’t the same thing.
Maybe I was grieving the life I thought we were supposed to have.
I also had to admit something else to myself. Sometimes I wonder if he fell in love with her. I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe I’ll never know. But for the first time, I’m realizing that I don’t need the answer in order to move forward.
Because this isn’t about figuring out who he loves anymore.
It’s about figuring out who I am without him.
Eight years taught me how to be an “us.”
Now I have to learn how to be me.
And I don’t know how yet.
So this is Day One.
I’m unlearning us.
Sincerely, Her- The Girl Who Stayed.