I Wanted You to Notice Me Leaving

31 Oct, 2026

Unlearning Us — Blog #2

Tonight I realized something about myself that I don’t really like admitting.

I wanted him to care that I was leaving.

I stopped by Nolan’s to bring him some food. It was food we had made together the other night when we were all together. Something so simple, but I think that’s exactly why it meant something to me.

Those little family moments are what I’ve always wanted.

Cooking together. Eating together. DJ being around us. Laughing. Doing regular things that probably wouldn’t mean much to anybody else, but mean everything to me.

Tonight DJ was trick or treating with his cousins, so it was just me and Nolan for a minute.

And I don’t even think I stayed five minutes.

Nothing terrible happened. We didn’t argue. He didn’t tell me to leave. There wasn’t some big dramatic moment.

I just didn’t feel wanted there.

That’s almost worse.

I think a part of me was hoping he would want me to stay. Maybe ask me to sit down. Talk to me. Laugh with me. Anything that made me feel like my presence still meant something to him.

But I didn’t feel that.

So I sucked it up, got in my car, and came home.

And now I’m realizing that this might be one of the hardest parts of falling out of love with somebody.

Because somehow, I still want him to be in love with me.

That sounds selfish when I write it out, but it’s the truth.

I told Nolan that I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. I meant it. I can feel that something inside of me has changed. I don’t look at our future the same anymore. I don’t crave the relationship we had.

But I still want him to care that he’s losing me.

I wanted my words to hurt him a little.

Not because I hate him.

Because I’m hurting.

I wanted him to say, “Wait. I don’t want this.”

I wanted him to fight me on it.

I wanted him to tell me that after everything we’ve been through, losing my love actually meant something to him.

Instead, he accepted it.

And maybe that’s what I’m really struggling with.

He didn’t give me the reaction I thought seven years deserved.

So now there’s this ugly little part of me that wants to say something that hurts him. Something that makes him jealous. Something that finally gets a reaction out of him.

But what would that actually give me?

Maybe an argument.

Maybe some cruel words we can’t take back.

Maybe he blocks me.

And I already know that being blocked would hurt me more than choosing to walk away myself.

So I’m not going to make him push me away just because I’m scared to be the one who leaves.

Maybe this is part of unlearning us too.

Learning that I don’t need him to be devastated for my decision to be valid.

Learning that someone doesn’t have to beg me to stay before I’m allowed to go.

Learning that I can love someone, miss them, want to talk to them, and still know that they aren’t the person I want beside me anymore.

And maybe the hardest one:

Learning that I can’t keep showing up hoping Nolan will suddenly give me the feeling I’ve been telling myself is already gone.

Tonight I wanted him to notice me.

I wanted him to notice when I walked through the door.

I wanted him to notice when I got quiet.

And more than anything, I wanted him to notice me leaving.

Maybe one day he will.

But I’m starting to understand that healing can’t depend on whether he does.

Sincerely,
Her — The Girl Who Stayed